When will I begin this Essay?

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September 17, 2012 by growingaworld

Tomorrow is the deadline for my first essay in almost a year. I’m having private tutorials with a teacher from school instead of joining actual lessons, this seemed the more flexible option to tie in with my other commitments.

As I said, tomorrow is the deadline for my first essay, in which I must “explore the role of Feste in ‘Twelfth Night’“, 1000 words (I think) not including quotes from the text or from critical responses to said text. I have a whole six pages of notes, scribbled frantically in a bid to get through this essay well in advance, but I still haven’t even written an outline.

I think I underestimated how hard this dual responsibility would be. I must at once be the attentive, punctual student and the loving, do-anything-for-her-baby mother. I must read and concentrate and make notes, but also feed and cuddle and play and rock and today I couldn’t even have lunch at a normal time, because every time I opened the fridge, the baby needed feeding or some other household task caught my eye. When I finally sat down to eat a sandwich, the wee man had to sit on my knee, and every time I stopped looking at him, he cried. Recently he’s been good at just watching me get on with things, like hanging out washing and cooking and… well I don’t do much else, but for some reason today, he won’t let me do anything. For a moment I am frightened by the power this small being has over me. It reminds me of the power my sister has over our mother, and I hope for his sake I don’t let him manipulate me this way for much longer. I have other things to do.

So here I am, standing in the kitchen, rocking the pram (the sporadic bouts of whimpering from which I try to ignore) with my foot, while typing in an attempt to vent my frustrations and mentally writing the essay I know I’ll send in late.

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